Professional Student

I have been in school this past 14 months studying to be a Medical Assistant but it wasn't until this past quarter that I have found the value in all the things that I have learned over the years. People in my classes would wonder how I knew the stuff I knew and the answer is that I never stop learning. I love learning new things. If I had to give myself a title other than mom I would say I am a Professional Student. Even if I do get a job as a Medical Assistant I will still keep the title of Professional Student. After I am finished at Miller-Motte I will be going back to the University of Phoenix and get my psychology degree. On top of going to Miller-Motte I am taking 2 correspondence courses. I'll be finished with my wedding planning one shortly, I'm down to my last module. I don't know which ones to take after this but I am open to suggestions.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I have never believed in hiding the fact that I have a mental illness so I have decided that I am just going to talk about it again. I have been in therapy ever since I was a child. I didn't grow up in a home with my parents like "normal children", I grew up with my grandmother. I didn't know my father's side of the family but everyone in my mother's side was always around including my mother. I was in a group with children like me who didn't live with their parents. Eventually when I became a teenager I went to live with my mom, step-dad and little brother, I was 15. It wasn't until just after I turned 16 that I realized that something wasn't right about me. I never wanted to admit it and I always said I was fine and I didn't want any therapy. I wish that I was smarter then because it might have changed my whole life. It wasn't until  8 years later that I would have an event happen that forced me to confront my problems. There came a point in my life where I had to place my children into foster care because I was homeless. This was one of the hardest things I had to do, I wanted to die and if it weren't for me being super aware of the situation and being pregnant I think I might of killed myself instead of checking into the local crisis center. I was under a 72 hour hold and received extensive therapy and evaluations by a doctor. This doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed me an anti-depressant which is all that was safe to take since I was pregnant. 
They set me up with a regular doctor a therapist and again I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but it went a step further to be called BiPolar Disorder Type II. I stopped going to this place when I moved and found a new place to go and saw yet another doctor with further testing and evaluation by more psychiatrists and psychologists finally got diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder Type II with Rapid Cycling. What that means is that my moods cycle more quickly than that of the normal disorder. Sometimes I will cycle through out a few weeks but more often I cycle throughout the day. Most people don't notice. It is only those close to me who realize what is happening with me. I have been on many medications and have tried many combinations and none have worked so I gave up on medications. I manage my disorder by keeping journals, blogging ect. and psychotherapy. Some people have been concerned with my disorder and all those years ago it made it a little more difficult to get my children back. They always thought I would be a danger to them but so far I have never been a danger to anyone but myself.
I'm not stupid I realize that this is a dangerous disorder but if managed right like it is, having knowledge of the disorder and how it works and having good personal awareness like I do; I am less likely to be a danger to myself. I don't have to let this rule my life. I use all the tools that are available to me to make me a productive and "healthy" person. 
People have all kinds of opinions (for lack of a better word) about people who have a mental illness and I'm here to say that there is nothing wrong with me...My mind just works different than yours.

Goals

I have been doing a lot of thinking and with everything that has happened recently I don't like my life how it is. I am extremely unhappy and I realize that it is all my fault. I'm almost 40, I just became a grandmother and less than a year ago I lost a baby of my own. I have been sick and in pain. I don't want to do this anymore. I want more for my life and for my kids and now grandson.
The best way to do this is to set goals and make plans to attain them. I am going to change my life and take everyone I love with me or they can go some where else. I am also taking everyone who has ever read my blogs or followed me on social media with me. I am going to become an over sharing nightmare in hopes that my journey will help others like me who have been through the ringer and thought they would be stuck in shit forever.

Rage

I have been so angry for so long. This fire, rage burning inside of me needs to be extinguished. It is not who I am. How can I say that I truly forgive if I am still angry? I don't think I can. The only thing this anger is doing is hurting me and the people I love. They see me hurting and I get snappy and that is not good for them. This year I am going to work on letting go of that anger so that I can get back to the trusting, kind and forgiving person that I really am.

Pain

Pain is an interesting thing. It is good and bad. If I am in pain I know I am alive but at the same time the amount of pain makes me wish I wasn't at times. I live with chronic pain. I have been living with this for about 20 years now and there isn't a day that it gets easier. I push myself to the limit because I don't want my condition to control me but I regret it every morning when I wake and can barely move. The worst part about my pain is that 90% of the time it hurts to be touched. I am a person who loves physical contact. I need it but it causes me the most pain. A simple hug can feel like every bone in my body is shattering all at once. I hide this. You may see me out and about shopping, walking, sitting or even working out and you will never know what the level of my pain is because I don't want pity. If you can actually see the pain on my face then you know that I am barely holding it together and I really should be home and in bed. When my pain is at it's worst there is nothing that can help short of knocking me out. I get cold, shiver and cry.
As hard as it is for me to live with this I know it is just as hard if not harder on the people who love me. To those of you who deal with me and this condition my hat is off to you. I love you all and thank you for not giving up on me.

Dreams

I am a dreamer. I can make plans and think up things and ideas all day long. Most of them won't happen but that doesn't stop me from thinking up ways to make them happen. I like to believe that noting is impossible. You are never too old for anything. The only way your dreams can't come true is when you give up on them.

What It's About

I started this so people can see who I am from my perspective. Most of the people that I consider friends and family don't know what the reality is. They really don't know me. For those of you who may read this and get offended will know that I don't care that you are offended but I still love you. I am hoping that by writing about me and being raw and public that maybe it will inspire someone but even if it doesn't I have put it out there so I can let it go. There maybe things that repeat you have to bare with me that is just my thought process, but my life doesn't have interesting stories it is an interesting story. So here is what this is about in a few words and again if you know me and you're a Grammar Nazi you will know that I don't care about that either and I'm not sorry. Love to you all and thanks for reading/following.