Life Begins at 40

You will often see "Life Begins at (insert age)", but I never knew what it meant until I turned 40. This year isn't even over for me yet and I feel as if I have been reborn. I graduated from my second program in college, I got a new job and I am doing more. I feel free, but trapped all at the same time.

I started this months ago but never finished it and I am not sure I am able to now. The feelings haven't changed and my 41st birthday has passed.

Is this the start of the ever so famous "midlife crisis"?

Reflection

I have done a lot of external writing so not everything has been posted here, but I want to change that. I checked out a post from December 31, 2015. I remember that year very well, because it was filled hit traumatic experiences and heart break. I think about that today and how my life has changed so much but I am still haunted by the grief from that year. As I am sitting her at work waiting to start the day I wonder if I will always be haunted by those feelings or if the ghosts will vanish.

Concentration

For years I have been in school now. I know I am smart and a good student, but I have a little problem with concentration. In the past I had an accommodation that would help me with this, but since I only returned for one quarter I didn't bother; I really regret that now. I sit down all ready to work and then I just can't get it out. I am behind in my work and I understand that I have been through a lot this spring quarter, but I was hoping for so much better. I guess the point is that I am not giving up. I just need to find a way to stop being so hard on myself and accept that I did the best I can.

Happy Holidays

My household consists of many faiths so with this I say Happy Holidays. It takes a lot to get me into the spirit of the season. I love to give and so if I am in a position where I'm not sure I can I get depressed. I also like decoration. I love the lights and the absence of them makes me sad. I hope to one day have a home large enough to have a party and to celebrate with lots of people around in a beautifully decorated home. While I'm not a practicing Christian I do like going to service on Christmas Eve. It also reminds me of what this season is really about.

Fragile

I get told all the time how strong I am. If only people could see the truth. What happens when I am alone. I fall to pieces. The truth is that yes you may have seen my tears, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. That hurt doesn't go away and it doesn't matter if I'm the cause of my own pain or not. I will often beat myself up about it. My insecurities come out. All the weaknesses I try to conceal comes out.
I may seem confident, but I'm not. I need to be reassured just like everyone else.I guess when you love and open up your heart and self so freely, you also open yourself to all the pain and doubt that can come with it. I often feel as if I am not good enough and that hurts. Most of the feelings only come at night when it is quiet and I am sitting up alone. Usually by the morning after I have had my cry and I back to "normal".
When I say that the only opinion that matters is mine, I'm lying not only to myself but others as well. There are a handful of people that cross the line of what matters. I am not counting my children of course. How these people feel about me and what they think of me matters a lot.
At the end of the day I am as beautiful, brilliant and tough as a diamond but at the same time as fragile as crystal.

Professional Student

I have been in school this past 14 months studying to be a Medical Assistant but it wasn't until this past quarter that I have found the value in all the things that I have learned over the years. People in my classes would wonder how I knew the stuff I knew and the answer is that I never stop learning. I love learning new things. If I had to give myself a title other than mom I would say I am a Professional Student. Even if I do get a job as a Medical Assistant I will still keep the title of Professional Student. After I am finished at Miller-Motte I will be going back to the University of Phoenix and get my psychology degree. On top of going to Miller-Motte I am taking 2 correspondence courses. I'll be finished with my wedding planning one shortly, I'm down to my last module. I don't know which ones to take after this but I am open to suggestions.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I have never believed in hiding the fact that I have a mental illness so I have decided that I am just going to talk about it again. I have been in therapy ever since I was a child. I didn't grow up in a home with my parents like "normal children", I grew up with my grandmother. I didn't know my father's side of the family but everyone in my mother's side was always around including my mother. I was in a group with children like me who didn't live with their parents. Eventually when I became a teenager I went to live with my mom, step-dad and little brother, I was 15. It wasn't until just after I turned 16 that I realized that something wasn't right about me. I never wanted to admit it and I always said I was fine and I didn't want any therapy. I wish that I was smarter then because it might have changed my whole life. It wasn't until  8 years later that I would have an event happen that forced me to confront my problems. There came a point in my life where I had to place my children into foster care because I was homeless. This was one of the hardest things I had to do, I wanted to die and if it weren't for me being super aware of the situation and being pregnant I think I might of killed myself instead of checking into the local crisis center. I was under a 72 hour hold and received extensive therapy and evaluations by a doctor. This doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed me an anti-depressant which is all that was safe to take since I was pregnant. 
They set me up with a regular doctor a therapist and again I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but it went a step further to be called BiPolar Disorder Type II. I stopped going to this place when I moved and found a new place to go and saw yet another doctor with further testing and evaluation by more psychiatrists and psychologists finally got diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder Type II with Rapid Cycling. What that means is that my moods cycle more quickly than that of the normal disorder. Sometimes I will cycle through out a few weeks but more often I cycle throughout the day. Most people don't notice. It is only those close to me who realize what is happening with me. I have been on many medications and have tried many combinations and none have worked so I gave up on medications. I manage my disorder by keeping journals, blogging ect. and psychotherapy. Some people have been concerned with my disorder and all those years ago it made it a little more difficult to get my children back. They always thought I would be a danger to them but so far I have never been a danger to anyone but myself.
I'm not stupid I realize that this is a dangerous disorder but if managed right like it is, having knowledge of the disorder and how it works and having good personal awareness like I do; I am less likely to be a danger to myself. I don't have to let this rule my life. I use all the tools that are available to me to make me a productive and "healthy" person. 
People have all kinds of opinions (for lack of a better word) about people who have a mental illness and I'm here to say that there is nothing wrong with me...My mind just works different than yours.