Happy Holidays

My household consists of many faiths so with this I say Happy Holidays. It takes a lot to get me into the spirit of the season. I love to give and so if I am in a position where I'm not sure I can I get depressed. I also like decoration. I love the lights and the absence of them makes me sad. I hope to one day have a home large enough to have a party and to celebrate with lots of people around in a beautifully decorated home. While I'm not a practicing Christian I do like going to service on Christmas Eve. It also reminds me of what this season is really about.

Fragile

I get told all the time how strong I am. If only people could see the truth. What happens when I am alone. I fall to pieces. The truth is that yes you may have seen my tears, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. That hurt doesn't go away and it doesn't matter if I'm the cause of my own pain or not. I will often beat myself up about it. My insecurities come out. All the weaknesses I try to conceal comes out.
I may seem confident, but I'm not. I need to be reassured just like everyone else.I guess when you love and open up your heart and self so freely, you also open yourself to all the pain and doubt that can come with it. I often feel as if I am not good enough and that hurts. Most of the feelings only come at night when it is quiet and I am sitting up alone. Usually by the morning after I have had my cry and I back to "normal".
When I say that the only opinion that matters is mine, I'm lying not only to myself but others as well. There are a handful of people that cross the line of what matters. I am not counting my children of course. How these people feel about me and what they think of me matters a lot.
At the end of the day I am as beautiful, brilliant and tough as a diamond but at the same time as fragile as crystal.

Professional Student

I have been in school this past 14 months studying to be a Medical Assistant but it wasn't until this past quarter that I have found the value in all the things that I have learned over the years. People in my classes would wonder how I knew the stuff I knew and the answer is that I never stop learning. I love learning new things. If I had to give myself a title other than mom I would say I am a Professional Student. Even if I do get a job as a Medical Assistant I will still keep the title of Professional Student. After I am finished at Miller-Motte I will be going back to the University of Phoenix and get my psychology degree. On top of going to Miller-Motte I am taking 2 correspondence courses. I'll be finished with my wedding planning one shortly, I'm down to my last module. I don't know which ones to take after this but I am open to suggestions.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I have never believed in hiding the fact that I have a mental illness so I have decided that I am just going to talk about it again. I have been in therapy ever since I was a child. I didn't grow up in a home with my parents like "normal children", I grew up with my grandmother. I didn't know my father's side of the family but everyone in my mother's side was always around including my mother. I was in a group with children like me who didn't live with their parents. Eventually when I became a teenager I went to live with my mom, step-dad and little brother, I was 15. It wasn't until just after I turned 16 that I realized that something wasn't right about me. I never wanted to admit it and I always said I was fine and I didn't want any therapy. I wish that I was smarter then because it might have changed my whole life. It wasn't until  8 years later that I would have an event happen that forced me to confront my problems. There came a point in my life where I had to place my children into foster care because I was homeless. This was one of the hardest things I had to do, I wanted to die and if it weren't for me being super aware of the situation and being pregnant I think I might of killed myself instead of checking into the local crisis center. I was under a 72 hour hold and received extensive therapy and evaluations by a doctor. This doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed me an anti-depressant which is all that was safe to take since I was pregnant. 
They set me up with a regular doctor a therapist and again I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but it went a step further to be called BiPolar Disorder Type II. I stopped going to this place when I moved and found a new place to go and saw yet another doctor with further testing and evaluation by more psychiatrists and psychologists finally got diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder Type II with Rapid Cycling. What that means is that my moods cycle more quickly than that of the normal disorder. Sometimes I will cycle through out a few weeks but more often I cycle throughout the day. Most people don't notice. It is only those close to me who realize what is happening with me. I have been on many medications and have tried many combinations and none have worked so I gave up on medications. I manage my disorder by keeping journals, blogging ect. and psychotherapy. Some people have been concerned with my disorder and all those years ago it made it a little more difficult to get my children back. They always thought I would be a danger to them but so far I have never been a danger to anyone but myself.
I'm not stupid I realize that this is a dangerous disorder but if managed right like it is, having knowledge of the disorder and how it works and having good personal awareness like I do; I am less likely to be a danger to myself. I don't have to let this rule my life. I use all the tools that are available to me to make me a productive and "healthy" person. 
People have all kinds of opinions (for lack of a better word) about people who have a mental illness and I'm here to say that there is nothing wrong with me...My mind just works different than yours.

Goals

I have been doing a lot of thinking and with everything that has happened recently I don't like my life how it is. I am extremely unhappy and I realize that it is all my fault. I'm almost 40, I just became a grandmother and less than a year ago I lost a baby of my own. I have been sick and in pain. I don't want to do this anymore. I want more for my life and for my kids and now grandson.
The best way to do this is to set goals and make plans to attain them. I am going to change my life and take everyone I love with me or they can go some where else. I am also taking everyone who has ever read my blogs or followed me on social media with me. I am going to become an over sharing nightmare in hopes that my journey will help others like me who have been through the ringer and thought they would be stuck in shit forever.

Rage

I have been so angry for so long. This fire, rage burning inside of me needs to be extinguished. It is not who I am. How can I say that I truly forgive if I am still angry? I don't think I can. The only thing this anger is doing is hurting me and the people I love. They see me hurting and I get snappy and that is not good for them. This year I am going to work on letting go of that anger so that I can get back to the trusting, kind and forgiving person that I really am.