The Little Things

How is it that the smallest things can effect things in the biggest ways? Something as simple as a look can make you feel as if you are the most special person in the world or as if someone wants you dead.
This post was originally written September 18,2019; but I didn't have the desire to publish it until today.

Change

Change is a big word, because usually when it comes to making changes we struggle with them. You can change small things like what clothes you wear or the way you drive to work, but then there are bigger things like if you want to get married or divorced, if you want to relocate or add another child to your family. Then we have the biggest change of them all which is making changes in ourselves.

It seems to be human nature to please others and so we try to alter things to make someone else happy. In doing this we may make the other person happy, however we will wind up miserable. If the change isn't for yourself will it stick and can you really live with your new self?

I have recently been struggling with the idea that someone can change and when I went to speak to my therapist about this and he asked the question..."Has he really changed if he is still doing the same things." These actions can be justified in the eyes of the person doing them, but at the same time I'm still being hurt by these actions that have not changed at all. How can you believe that someone has changed when they show you nothing but the same behaviors over and over again?
I guess it would be safe to say that they never really changed in the first place and never will. Now the biggest question of all when it comes to making changes: When do I say enough is enough and walk away?

Life Begins at 40

You will often see "Life Begins at (insert age)", but I never knew what it meant until I turned 40. This year isn't even over for me yet and I feel as if I have been reborn. I graduated from my second program in college, I got a new job and I am doing more. I feel free, but trapped all at the same time.

I started this months ago but never finished it and I am not sure I am able to now. The feelings haven't changed and my 41st birthday has passed.

Is this the start of the ever so famous "midlife crisis"?

Reflection

I have done a lot of external writing so not everything has been posted here, but I want to change that. I checked out a post from December 31, 2015. I remember that year very well, because it was filled hit traumatic experiences and heart break. I think about that today and how my life has changed so much but I am still haunted by the grief from that year. As I am sitting her at work waiting to start the day I wonder if I will always be haunted by those feelings or if the ghosts will vanish.

Concentration

For years I have been in school now. I know I am smart and a good student, but I have a little problem with concentration. In the past I had an accommodation that would help me with this, but since I only returned for one quarter I didn't bother; I really regret that now. I sit down all ready to work and then I just can't get it out. I am behind in my work and I understand that I have been through a lot this spring quarter, but I was hoping for so much better. I guess the point is that I am not giving up. I just need to find a way to stop being so hard on myself and accept that I did the best I can.

Happy Holidays

My household consists of many faiths so with this I say Happy Holidays. It takes a lot to get me into the spirit of the season. I love to give and so if I am in a position where I'm not sure I can I get depressed. I also like decoration. I love the lights and the absence of them makes me sad. I hope to one day have a home large enough to have a party and to celebrate with lots of people around in a beautifully decorated home. While I'm not a practicing Christian I do like going to service on Christmas Eve. It also reminds me of what this season is really about.

Fragile

I get told all the time how strong I am. If only people could see the truth. What happens when I am alone. I fall to pieces. The truth is that yes you may have seen my tears, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. That hurt doesn't go away and it doesn't matter if I'm the cause of my own pain or not. I will often beat myself up about it. My insecurities come out. All the weaknesses I try to conceal comes out.
I may seem confident, but I'm not. I need to be reassured just like everyone else.I guess when you love and open up your heart and self so freely, you also open yourself to all the pain and doubt that can come with it. I often feel as if I am not good enough and that hurts. Most of the feelings only come at night when it is quiet and I am sitting up alone. Usually by the morning after I have had my cry and I back to "normal".
When I say that the only opinion that matters is mine, I'm lying not only to myself but others as well. There are a handful of people that cross the line of what matters. I am not counting my children of course. How these people feel about me and what they think of me matters a lot.
At the end of the day I am as beautiful, brilliant and tough as a diamond but at the same time as fragile as crystal.