I have never believed in hiding the fact that I have a mental illness so I have decided that I am just going to talk about it again. I have been in therapy ever since I was a child. I didn't grow up in a home with my parents like "normal children", I grew up with my grandmother. I didn't know my father's side of the family but everyone in my mother's side was always around including my mother. I was in a group with children like me who didn't live with their parents. Eventually when I became a teenager I went to live with my mom, step-dad and little brother, I was 15. It wasn't until just after I turned 16 that I realized that something wasn't right about me. I never wanted to admit it and I always said I was fine and I didn't want any therapy. I wish that I was smarter then because it might have changed my whole life. It wasn't until 8 years later that I would have an event happen that forced me to confront my problems. There came a point in my life where I had to place my children into foster care because I was homeless. This was one of the hardest things I had to do, I wanted to die and if it weren't for me being super aware of the situation and being pregnant I think I might of killed myself instead of checking into the local crisis center. I was under a 72 hour hold and received extensive therapy and evaluations by a doctor. This doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and prescribed me an anti-depressant which is all that was safe to take since I was pregnant.
They set me up with a regular doctor a therapist and again I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but it went a step further to be called BiPolar Disorder Type II. I stopped going to this place when I moved and found a new place to go and saw yet another doctor with further testing and evaluation by more psychiatrists and psychologists finally got diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder Type II with Rapid Cycling. What that means is that my moods cycle more quickly than that of the normal disorder. Sometimes I will cycle through out a few weeks but more often I cycle throughout the day. Most people don't notice. It is only those close to me who realize what is happening with me. I have been on many medications and have tried many combinations and none have worked so I gave up on medications. I manage my disorder by keeping journals, blogging ect. and psychotherapy. Some people have been concerned with my disorder and all those years ago it made it a little more difficult to get my children back. They always thought I would be a danger to them but so far I have never been a danger to anyone but myself.
I'm not stupid I realize that this is a dangerous disorder but if managed right like it is, having knowledge of the disorder and how it works and having good personal awareness like I do; I am less likely to be a danger to myself. I don't have to let this rule my life. I use all the tools that are available to me to make me a productive and "healthy" person.
People have all kinds of opinions (for lack of a better word) about people who have a mental illness and I'm here to say that there is nothing wrong with me...My mind just works different than yours.
